Do the best you can until you know better. And when you know better, do better. β Maya Angelou
Today we begin the journey of reclaiming the pieces of yourself you've given away.
Whether through expectations. Overworking. Allowing harm without setting boundaries. Saying yes when your heart meant no. Never giving yourself a break. Neglecting your needs so someone else could be satisfied.
(If you prefer to listen, click here for the audio + a reflection at the end. π§)
In my last letter, I shared The Self-Reclamation Methodβ’, the four-phase framework that has helped me process deep emotions, seasons of identity deaths, loss and grief, sadness and disappointment. And come out of it with the most profound self-love I've ever experienced.
If you're reading this, I know something about you: You're kind. At some point in your life, you approached a situation with an open heart while the other person approached it with an agenda. And what I've learned from these experiences, the ones that left me drained, is that it's not your responsibility to investigate why others act in hurtful ways.
The responsibility you have is with yourself. And to yourself. Let's Begin.
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PHASE 1: THE SHATTERING
See the pieces you've given away.
Self-reclamation isn't a self-help hack. It's a death and rebirth cycle⦠of identities, of patterns, of relationships, of self.
This phase is pattern recognition. The moment you realize you've distributed yourself to everyone and kept nothing. You sit with yourself and allow yourself to reflect. Not from judgment or shame, from awareness.
"Oh, this is why I don't advocate for myself. I've trained myself to shrink as a form of keeping the peace."
But what about your peace?
πͺ Phase 1 is your mirror. A conversation with all versions of yourself, specifically your younger self, who likely witnessed things and felt emotions well beyond what her young mind could comprehend.
THE QUESTIONS I WANT YOU TO ASK YOURSELF.
Grab your journal or your notes app and sit with these:
β Where are you saying yes when you mean no?
β Whose vision are you building instead of your own?
β What have you buried that wants to be owned?
Remember: This is the year we build differently. How we build our careers. Our businesses. Our relationships. Our lives.
And it starts here, in reclaiming the parts of yourself you've given away.
The goal is not to get them back. The goal is to honor how those pieces served you.
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π₯Ό AN EXPERIMENT
I recently shared this with the Glow Up community, a room for exceptional women who refuse to shrink and the response has been overwhelming.
Here's the experiment:
Go to your AI, whatever you use as a thought partner, a sounding board, a place to process. Ask it to review your entire chat history and act as an audience member watching the movie of your life.
The question: What would the audience be shouting at you to do?
I can't wait to hear what it reveals for you. πΏ
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WHAT HAPPENS IN THE SHATTERING
The masks crack. The veil lifts. You see, maybe for the first time, how you've merged, pleased, and erased yourself.
This is not comfortable but it's necessary.
It can feel sudden. Unexpected. Like the ground shifting beneath you.
But self-reclamation is not linear. It's cyclical. Every few years, you evolve. Every experience shapes you. You will return to these phases but each time, you go faster, lighter, with more trust.
The goal isn't to "finish."
The goal is wholeness. Meeting your own needs because you are complete.
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So be kind to yourself.
Do the best you can until you know better. Focus on improving, not proving.
Easier said than done. Trust me. But it's liberating when you stop trying to control what others think of you and finally decide that you know who you are.β
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Phase 1: The Shattering is the beginning of your liberation.
It's where you make a pact, deep down, that you want to be free.
Free from what? You get to decide.
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I want to hear from you. Have you ever experienced a shattering? And what is your AI shouting at you to do?
Hit reply and let's get human.
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One more thing.
You can still love and set boundaries.
You can still hurt and be worthy of receiving love.
You can have the best intentions and still watch things not work out the way you expected.
We are never going to be free of problems. But we can be free of the patterns we learned when those problems arise.
And what a privilege it is to have the tools to work through them.
I hope The Self-Reclamation Methodβ’ serves you like it serves me.
Until the next letter,
Vanessa
P.S. If you want to grow in life alongside other women who refuse to shrink, Glow Up is the room. Our next session is Thursday, February 12th. Join us.
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